Why

why am i running and hiding,
i know you will find me.
even when im blending in the crowd,
or alone in my room

why am i scared, you cant hurt me
i have to work this out,
i cant do this alone.
the worst is over!

Testing The Water

These last few days have been a bit of a battle for me and my family, All my family go to the salvation army, but on monday night my Dad was forced to step down as Band master, for no reason. he took it really bad, and its made him ill! its thrown the family in to this pitt with no easy signs of an escape, we all spent more time there than at home and now non of us can bare to be there for what has been done.

im in a very hard place now, i love going to the Salvo, have been going for 22 years, but now i cant bare to go and see the people that have caused this damage!, even if they didn't mean to, i still resent them for what they have done. i know that sounds harsh but you have only got to see the damage to see that's its not going to be easy for fix.

until sunday, i knew Gods plan for me, in my life and at church, but now i feel lost, and very scared. God's Hand seems soo distant and hard to reach. i cant figure out what God is telling me through this, Is this Gods way of telling me a change is needed? is it part of his plan?, or is it the devil testing the water?


A Really good (not useless) friend just sent me a message, about two minutes ago, and the words have just put my mind and my heart at rest....

'Keep asking Him, keep listening to Him, He's not throwing a puzzle down for you and then judging your choice. If there's a clear path He wants you to take He will make it known to you when the time is right. Trust Him.'

thank you Josh!

I'll fall facedown

Welcomed in to the courts of the King
I've been ushered in to Your presence
Lord, I stand on Your merciful ground
Yet with every step tread with reverence

And I'll fall facedown
As Your glory shines around
Yes, I'll fall facedown
As Your glory shines around

Who is there in the heavens like You?
And upon the earth, who's Your equal?
You are far above, You're the highest of heights
We are bowing down to exalt You

So let Your glory shine around
Let Your glory shine around
King of glory, here be found
King of glory

Redemption, passion, glory

This is redemption,
that you would die for me
And this is salvation,
that you would live in me
That you would live in me
This is redemption, this salvation
This is our mission, and this is our passion

What love is this
That you would die for me?
(Let's start this over)
What love is this?

This is redemption,
that you would die for me
And this is salvation,
that you would live in me
That you would live in me
This is rejection,
that they would all hate me
And this is submission
that I would live holy
That I would live holy
What love is this
That you would die for me?
(Let's start this over)
Let's start this over and we'll see
Just where this love will take us
Your presence shows us grace
Right here in our own meditation
What love is this?

Creation finds your mercy
Redemption, passion, glory
Creation finds submission
Redemption, passion, glory

Clear out!

I have just got back from 5 hours of clearing sorting and skipping rubbish and crap at church! it was our Winter clear out!

I was forced in to the loft to lower down the endless boxes of paper and crud. sent up long ladders to repair the roof, swept gutters, re-hung doors, and genuinely anything that involved getting my hands dirty!

Getting my hands dirty is something i love, in fact just getting dirty is awesome! makes me feel lke iv accomplished something and very Manly! I'm like a pig in mud! and what made it better is that it was all for God! clearing his house and getting it tidy again!

My life is full of crap that gets in the way of me and God! and i think its about time i cleared these out, cleared away, and tidied my life up! Make my life God's, and Give him the Glory he deserves, its not going to be easy by any matter but i have to do it!. For too long Gods just been on the pile of rubbish i have, Waiting for me to organize him or use him!

God, My life is you'res. I'm here! take me! use me!

You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.

Today has been a Day of learning for me, I have learnt alot of life's Guide lines which I will now follow when i live out my life from now on!

• First of all, DON'T wash you're Face in the morning with 'Mint Shower Gel', it may smell nice, but if it goes up your nose, you're eye water for ages. and this doesn't help whilst trying to get ready at 5.30 in the morning!

• Secondly, When making a hot drink to start you of in the morning. Fill the kettle up before turning it on! if you don't you wont have any hot water, and will run out of time to boil it again!

• The Third Guide line is, When filling up your DIESEL Van use DIESEL and not PETROL! (stupid watery eye blocking vision!)

• The Fourth, Whilst at work pretending you know about 'ELECTRICS!' Remember to turn the POWER OFF! before cutting any wires! (opps! thank God for insulated snippers!)

• The fifth Lesson, Make sure you are PHONING the person you meant to before you start Ranting and swearing at them, other wise you may have called the wrong Dave! (sorry Dave)

• The Sixth Lesson, Remember your money when you go to the Chip Shop for dinner or you wont be able to buy the Chips and you look like a numpty!

• The Seventh Lesson, When someone is working above you on a scaffold, WEAR a Hard Hat, as random Bricks might fall on you head! (that one hurt)

As you can tell today hasn't been the greatest, and EVERYTHING seems to be going wrong! Today has been Frustrating and Trying, and I had to put alot of effort in to not giving up and walking away! But after a bit of a struggle everything seemed to work out in the end! It got me thinking about my relationship with God.

My relationship with him isn't always a walk in the park, things happen or things creep in to my life and tempt me away from God, and i seem to try to struggle alone to get past these or work through them, but i should just ask God and Pray, God is Great!, I sometimes forget this and think im in the deep end, but things always seem to come together in the end when i realize, I cant do it alone and Turn to Him!. You just have to have the faith and believe he will help you!, and trust me, HE WILL!!

When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a
dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the
world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard, I chased the
neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody knew me and was
afraid of me, and one day my dad said "Bobby you... are 17, it’s time to
throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really
say that he said that "Stop being a f****** dinosaur and get a job".

have faith in me!

Have faith in me
Cause there are things that I've seen I don't believe
So cling to what you know and never let go
You should know things aren't always what they seem

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I've gone crazy
Cause there are things in the streets I don't believe
So we'll pretend it's alright and stay in for the night
What a world
I'll keep you safe here with me

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

They've got me on the outside, looking in
But I can't see at all
With the weight of the world on my shoulders,
They just wanna see me fall

They've got me on the outside, looking in
But I can't see at all
With the weight of the world on my shoulders,
They just wanna see me fall

Have faith in me

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you go, and I never did

unchangeable ???

I've just been having a little chat with a Friend form Church, About 'CHANGE'. At the church where I go, The Salvation Army, we have recently had a new Officer, (a vicar) He is young and very determined in his work, he is also very good at what he does. hes been with us about 18months, and is hoping to stay at least 10 years. (normally officers only stay at a corps for about 3 years).

In the Recent weeks he has started to make changes within the church and the most notiucable one is the Layout of the seats and platform. for as long as i can remember the hall has always been set out in one way, four rows with eight seats and the band!. Bu it was mentioned that during a service you could only see the back of peoples heads, (me being who i am, i love to see peopel reactions to certain things) so being able to see more people during church is cool!, so the next sunday the chairs were arranged in arched rows, now you can see across church and see faces rather than backs of heads. and everyone seemed to like it.

A few Sundays later the whole of the hall had been set out differently everything had moved! but this time people didn't like it and started moaning, but the officer told everyone, that its just a trial to see if things work out.

The weirdest thing that happened was people saying they didn't feel comfy because they had sat in certain places before or that they didn't feel as close to God! Now im a weirdo, but how can a change of seat effect your love with God?

Thats my little rant over.

So change is it always bad? Can good things come from change?

Many things have changed in my life, but even though some changes take longer to adapt to or accept, and others are easy to live with and i benefit from them, i know that my love God is the same! and His Love for me is the same!, no matter what changes i make i know he is there, because God is good!

These Walls

These walls are suffocating me,
With no means of escape,
I sit and I wait
Wait and think.
There has to be a way out!
But i dont hold much hope.

Every thing i look at reminds me of you,
The things i miss, and the things i hate,
These walls hold me back from moving on.
From being me! From forgetting you.

Starring at photos of us and you just fade away.
Too dumb to see, what we had.
To blind to know whats was happening.
All i need is a ladder to climb out,
But even if i could i dont know if i would?

These walls have secrets within,
Stories to tell. But if i ever got out,
I will knock them down to clear a path
For my new foundations!

I Love My Brick!

Ok this might bore you slightly but i like it!

Going back a few months, Our church went on a weekend away at Scarborough, it was a really good weekend and i took alot away with me, I guess that this was about the time when God really started talking to me, and i began to Acknowledge God in my life.

The whole weekend was titled 'Foundations', and was about getting to the bottom of our relationships with God and making sure our foundations were strong. On the Sunday morning, we had a small prayer meeting before the main gathering, normally i wouldn't have gone to this as the swimming pool is normally my worship place when we go away, but earlier that morning a friend from church, Dave, a fellow joiner/builder asked me to come along as he thought id benefit from this meeting, so i gave up the swimming pool and went along.

Mhe meeting started with n explanaition of foundations, or footings, now as a builder i knoww the most important bit of a building isthe foundations, and without substantal foundations, the biulding will be week and risk collapsing. Dave started to explain about how it all starts with digging, so in our spiritual lives we have to remove anything from use having a Firm foundation on/with God!, and then we add concrete to form the foundation,, the concrete in our lives with god is belief, because if we didn't believe any thing we build on top will fall down.

But Dave took this meeting one step further than foundations, this is the bit that's had me thinking qiute alot, he spook about the bricks, now there are three types of brick, Engineering brick, facing brick, and a block. now each have there own purpose but they differ to how they are used on a building.

First you get an engineering brick, these lay on the foundations and give the building a layout on top of the foundation, like the bible shows us how we should live our lives. it is very important to have engineering bricks as they stop moisture from the ground penetrating the building, and hold back anything that should come in between us and God.

Next you have a Facing 'Brick', this 'Brick' goes on the out side, its like a false front, it has no purpose other than to look good, and sometimes as Christians we all say 'I'm Christian', but that's as far as it goes, we feel just saying we are Christians is enough. but is it?

The 'Block' is next and this is the most important, this is the supporting skin, this holds up our floors and roofs. id like to think that as a christian im a 'Block' not literally. id like to think that im here to support anything that needs support, Friends, Family, the church.

This idea of being a 'Brick' has played on me ever since, i often question what brick i am? id love to be a 'Block' all the time, but i know, i have feel in to the just putting up a good front before, and not always doing what i should be, but i pray that good will give me guidance to becoming a true 'Block' and start supporting his kingdom.


so what brick are you?

Intelegent Ducks

ok Last night really got to me and i had to do something, id had a really crappy day, i felt alone and scared. and when i got home i was just going mental, but then i read a friends status, it said that she had just watched Anchorman!. and me being a true Anchorman fan i started to qoute from the film. and another friend also joined in till we reached about 70 comments. i know its simple and a bit childish, it made me happy! really happy!. it made me feel like a big kid! and maybe it was the feeling of being child like that made me happy, the innocence of a child with no worries or problems, like the ones i seem to hit every day. and whilst in a good mood id decided that a nice drive would be in order, it was about 1.30 this morning the roads were clear, so i went to my favorite place within reasonable distance, Trent Bridge, i go there if im feeling low and talk to the Ducks and Geese. Its like talking to someone with the same IQ. So after quite and long intelligent chat with a duck, i sat on the embankment steps and just watched the lights in the river. i started praying to myself and asking for help with my problems. and i started to think, 'maybe i should show God that im thankful for the things i have in life, rather than just keep asking for help' so i started a prayer of thanks for everything i could see!, the Moon, the Stars, the boats the people the birds, the boy racers that passed! and as soon as i stood up i felt like a wieght had lifted from my sholders and i could stand tall and proud knowing God was with me!. On he drive home i continued to pray for the things that i could see, (i do strongly advise that you pray with your eyes open whilst driving, (i learn't the hard way)).

i am so thankful for all that God has given me! Even though i may be down in the dumps, i know that he is still there by my side. i just need to make sure that im ready to let him help me!

free

i long to be surrounded by his grace, and free from my burden chains.

you stole

Last night they said the fire had spread and we said our prayers
And now the flames are burning me in my bed but I just don't care
We all go to sleep in the same place and in the morning hope that we're all the same
We'll just sit around like broke down cars in the lot waiting for repairs

There you go
There it goes

Well I wish that I was as good as you at caring and trusting
And I wish that my condition was new but I'm old and rusted
So we just hurry up only to wait
And add to the list of all the places we hate
And I'll pretend like I've got something to say but I've got nothing

And now I know what you stole
Yeah you stole
From the cradles they were rocked in
You took the first words that they spoke
Yeah you stole
Yeah you stole
So if I'm a liar then you're a thief
At least we both know where the other one sleeps and lets end this tonight.

Stole
Yeah you stole
From the cradles they were rocked in
You took the first words that they spoke
Yeah you stole
Yeah you stole
So if I'm a liar then you're a thief
At least we both know where the other one sleeps and lets end this tonight

Selfishness

I have recently discovered how selfish i am! This upsets me, Here i am sat at home, moaning because i can't go to work, Moaning because I'm on my own and moaning because we have no chocolate in the house. But during a recen adventure to the kitchen to get a glass of Milk, My attention was drawn to the TV and my Mum was watching the News. The News was showing the devastation and aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti! Thousands of wrecked families and homes, cities torn apart and the death toll! I couldn't begin to imagine going through all that! and theres me, moaning because of silly petty things, when theres that happening in the world.

It made me realize how selfish i am! It got me thinking, of how i live for myself again!, this issue is a major battle im having in life at the minute, God is trying to make e realize that i have to stop living for me! And start living for others and Him! To be honest, i dont know why i fight it?, i know God, He wont give up on me and He wont just ignore the matter. I guess its down to me! i have to change, make the effort.

I don't know yet as to how God wants me to change, but if im honest im a little scared of what he might say or ask me to do! Even though i know it will be for the better, im worried. should i be?

over thinking

well, today has been a pretty pants day, i got up for work, got ready and then i got a phone call to tell me to not bother going to work because it was too dangerous. . so i headed back to bed, only to wake up at gone 11. so annoyed with myself. so i did the usual scope of Facebook and sorted a few things out and then i just sat there listening to whatever ever tune-age was pumping form my computer. I must have sat there for about an hour just lost in my own thoughts. now i have been through a great deal in these last few months, some things i can't bare tomention but others are life changing, and as i sat there staring out my window, the music took me back two or three years and got me thinking, about how happy i was back then, i thought i had everything i could ever need. a good job, money, a social life and a girlfriend. i lived everyday for me! and i had some really goodtimes. but then about 4 months ago, i broke up with my girlfriend and hit a brick wall, everything fell apart around me and id hit rock bottom. so whilst in this train of thought, i started to think like 'what if this had happened?' or 'what if i had done this?' and it started to bring me down.

and the more i thought about it the angrier i got. In the end i stopped the music stood up and literally screamed! i feel sorry for the neighbors!. Then it hit me, back then i was living for myself, and not for god! and then i felt i had betrayed god in some way. so i sat there a little longer, and drifted off in my thoughts again! but this time i was thinking about the last few weeks, and how id let god back into my life, and it took some getting used to at first, and i did ignore him a few times thing it would pass, but God being God he made sure that i couldn't ignore him for long.

He left subtle but sharp messages all over, and i knew something had to change and i knew that, 'something' was me.